UNRULY NON-STUDENTS CREATE PROM PROBLEMS

Two unknown attendants of this year's prom, a young woman and an "older, but still attractive" male, "caused major situations", claimed Eastburg High School Principal Mrs. Chauncy-Heetle. The two somehow avoided the check-in/security table and began creating multiple "highly choreographed" disturbances. "It's like they had rehearsed it or something", says Mr.Whipp, a 10th grade math teacher. After dumping most of the hors d'oervres into the punch bowl they preformed over-the-top tap-dances throughout all of the slow numbers and then heckled the two students being crowned during the king and queen ceremony by screaming "They're all gonna laugh at you!" and then proceeding to laugh at them. They also allegedly took turns rolling around on the floor several times throughout their formal wear rampage, stopping only once to have their photograph taken and then continuing to roll around. Still, some students saw it differently. "There was just something about how they caused the problems that seemed...professional. I liked it", says Shelly Goodwall (Senior). The male purpatrater was claimed to have been heard screaming "Trust me!" over and over as they quickly left the parking lot in an unmarked golf cart. An ongoing investigation continues by Eastburg PD, but as of yet no leads have surfaced.

Excerpt from Eastburg Lantern Sunday May 13 2008

GOLF CART STOLEN AND MOLESTED

A golf cart from Murry's Golf Palace disappeared Saturday night, and was located Sunday morning with "cheese spray and adult items" forced into the engine and tailpipe. "It's a tragic day for golf carts everywhere" choked Murray between light sobbing gasps.

Excerpt from Westburg Times Sunday May 13 2008

INDIANA JONES SPOTTED IN WESTBURG

Cindy Hunnce of West Westburg claims to have seen "Indiana Jones" running through her neighborhood carrying several armloads of adult toys, followed by a woman with "squirt cheese" containers. "I'm glad I watch the street at night for teenagers, otherwise I wouldn't have seen them," says Hunnce, "He wasn't wearing his hat, or whip, but I know it was Indiana Jones." She claims that she has seen the popular action adventure trilogy "a million times" but has never noticed an adult toy in any of them. "The vibrators must be relics that belong in a museum, otherwise he wouldn't have bothered." Mr.Jones has been unable to be located for questioning.

Excerpt from Westburg Times Sunday May 13 2008